Trust me...

Trust is a funny thing.

Actually… it’s not funny at all. It’s something serious. Something daunting. Something we use and abuse each and every day, only to find ourselves questioning whether we selected the right person to confide in.

Unfortunately, we often make mistakes.

To disclose personal information onto another individual, another aching soul, is something we all crave and desire. Even those whose walls of introversion have shadowed their yearning for a connection feel this need – this raw and primal longing. We go about our lives in relentless pursuit for someone, anyone, to whom we can pour out the contents of our heart; a person who will hold our hand as we watch the black and red swirls of secrets, passions, burdens and loves collide in a mess of honesty. But at the same time we fear. We fear the consequences of releasing these emotions and truths, telling ourselves that maybe we really can put all of our convictions and doubts into a box, lock it, and hide it upon the top shelf of our closet. But why does this fear exist?

For me, this fear comes from failure: the failure to accurately assess people’s character and intentions. I have many theories as to why I make so many of these errors, from being socially inept to living in a dream world (none of this is real!!!???), but none ever seem to hold true or carry over onto my next misjudgment. Each person in this world is as different and original as the buds of a tree, and though we wait and wait for the bloom, sometimes we just end up disappointed and barren. We can never hold the same expectations to each of these unique people, nor can we apply what we learn from one person to the next and expect perfect results. Life is truly a game of trial and error.

What frustrates me the most is my own drastic transformation in perspective about the world I live in and how to interact with it. One day I stand firmly with my heart upon my sleeve, open and gaping, allowing anyone to enter and exit at will. In these moments I trust everyone, wanting so badly to feel close to my friends and peers that I create delusions of security. Everyone is my friend. Everyone can help me. Everyone cares. But this just isn’t true. People are not inherently good. Then the next day I am cold, cut off. I become meticulous in my work and focus almost obsessively upon things that will separate me from being tricked, again, into a false sense of companionship.

In order to grow as a trusting person, I must first learn how to avoid internalizing each and every event in which I have been wronged. Although I recognize this fact, it is something that will take tremendous risk and courage. How can I let people close to me when, over and over again, I have watched my loved ones tear me or each other apart? How can I begin to form lasting friendships when, in multiple instances, I have had people I considered close to me deliberately broadcast information that had been discussed in confidence? I think in the instances where the person who broke my trust is someone I love, I must simply begin the process of forgiveness. For others, I must cut the ties and move on; after all, college is about finding our true friends, right? There will always be a few people out there who are going to try and screw us up, but we have to ignore them. They are nobodies. They are pathetic. They are the ones who are self-conscious and sad. They are the ones so miserable with their own existence that they are willing to jeopardize one friendship in order to feel like they’re worth something to someone else. Well here’s a little note to those of you who commit these terrible acts: you’re not worth anything, and one by one, every person you try to connect with will see that.

On the other hand, there are those who value our trust and care for us. In my life, sometimes it's hard for me to recognize or understand when or why people try to get close to me... for some reason I think it's my job to make them feel well-liked and receive nothing in return (though I know this is untrue and a good friendship is a mutual bond). But I also know that there is no time when I feel closer to somebody then in the times where I am completely vulnerable - where my honest words and feelings establish and foster a growing relationship. I trust my friend. They trust me. And in that moment, we see goodness. We forget about the people who do not value and honor the trust that should be of high priority in everyone's lives.

*Sigh* I digress...

Trust. It’s beautiful. Through trust I know that the foundation of love begins.

But trust can be broken. Trust can fade. And with this dissipation comes bitterness and anger.

The key, my friends, is that we learn to keep trying. Keep trusting. But at the same time, learn to sift through the many people we encounter and find the ones who are worth our words, our thoughts, our feelings and our entire hearts.

Through the dark we trudge, but we are not alone.
In this haze and confusion, we will find the lights to take us home.

Keep light in your life, and good luck.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fitting quote: “I never trust people's assertions, I always judge of them by their actions.”
~ Ann Radcliffe, The Mysteries of Udolpho